Forks, Junctions and Crossroads

So it's been a while since my last posting back in November 2016. I have often felt guilty about not keeping my writing going but contrary to my own advice, the busyness of life has gotten the better of me. Today I had a day all to myself. I made conscious decisions not to do anything I didn't want to do. Being a solitary traveller, I could afford the luxury of this self-absorbed selfish act(s). These opportunities don't come along too often so I recommend that you grab them when you can!

I slept in.
I didn't rush my hotel buffet breakfast.
I leisurely sipped my coffee and contemplated my plans for the day.
I decided on a scenic dune walk and made the hour and a half journey down the coast listening to my choice of music and driving at a pace that would usually frustrate me. I even moved onto the shoulder on occasion to let the speeders through so I didn't have to see their strained faces in my rear view mirror.
I took the walk and often looked around me to find myself completely alone. Not a soul for miles around. It was quite refreshing for me after the intensity of interactions during the work week. It was in this moment I could hear the inner workings of my introspective mind still stirring. The clamour of everyday life having been stilled by the sounds of nature. I could hear the wind. I could hear the birds. I could hear the waves crashing. I could hear my inner voice speaking again. It's not to say that it has been muted, but it usually just deals with the mundane issues and working through the never diminishing to do lists. Today it was speaking about deeper issues. Content that really matters. It thrust me into really thinking again. Reminding me that we should all be doing something purposeful and not just living. I had an excuse to put my life on hold while busy with emigration. My next excuse was that I was working on getting stability in this foreign land I've taken myself and my family to. I'm certain, I'll decide on anew one after that one too and never get back to a relevant purpose...

Every day we face forks, junctions and crossroads in our lives. Some are small in the impact they will have on your life and some are significant. Today I thought about some pretty major decisions I've made and pondered where the alternative road may have led me. If I hadn't married Cindy, where would I be and would I be alone? Would I even be alive? For certain, I wouldn't have found someone with strength to love and support me as she does.  My voice told me that it was actually meaningless to consider the alternative road, as there would never be any definitive portrayal of that non-existent journey to compare. However, I do believe that thinking that there could have been an alternative, that it hi-lights the very real moments in your life that you wouldn't want erased. Those are not always the best times, they can be moments of tragedy and pain that you have worked (are working) through that remind you that you are an over-comer. The memory-reel spins backwards and forwards to various moments in time. Some memories bring warmth to my soul, some tears and some embarrassment and guilt. Each are centred on a junction in my life where I made a decision.

The junctions are places where life defining moments can be made. Are they going to be the ones you want to remember or want to forget?

Find the Familiar

So, I don't want to turn this blog into "My Immigration Experience.com" as I'll find a different arena to do that. However, I can't help sharing on what I am experiencing at this moment which may or may not echo similar sentiments with anyone facing change of any sort.

Besides finding myself in a foreign land with foreign people and an almost foreign dialect, I constantly see things that are so familiar. Things I organically recognise and know. I am finding this especially true in people. I am constantly seeing people that are almost identical to those I left behind. There is a Butch, there is a Sean, there is Johan, there is even a Dr. Isaacs! I am sure there is a psychological reason why this is happening to me.  Perhaps this is a coping mechanism to bring me some comfort in this strange and unfamiliar place, I don't know. Maybe it's something completely new and the Psychological Council will allow me name it. I'll call it "The Doppelganger Theory".
What ever it is called, it made me delve a bit deeper, beyond than just the uncanniness of seeing these faces that I "know".

How often do we find ourselves a little lost and alone? Perhaps in circumstances that make no sense or just alone in this frenzied world. Often, even instinctively, we turn to something familiar. Making a meal mom used to make, listening to music reminiscent of a certain era in your life. Watching a favourite movie. Just some of the ways we can find the familiar and comfort ourselves with memories of a time when it was "all right". Remind ourselves that it will be all right again. I say "Find the familiar", it's not a weakness to do so. It can actually be used as a strength if you can recognise the time when you need that injection of "all right". Rather than suppressing it, pretending to adult-up and pushing on, stop, find the familiar and boost yourself on to the "all right".  

Be There!

"Okay, this is where I am, right here, right now. And BE there. That's the big challenge in life." - Elle Macpherson.
I thought this quite an appropriate start to my first blog from New Zealand. To be completely honest while  writing this, I am still in transit from Sydney to Auckland but needed a distraction from the sadness of leaving family and loved ones behind. This move to New Zealand was a decision made with the belief that it is the best option for me, my wife and my two boys. I also believe that there is a greater purpose and a plan for this move. A purpose far beyond escaping the chaos that South Africa finds itself in. There has been an inexplicable deep rooted pull to this far off land. A pull that has been there for many years, lying dormant, waiting for the right time to emerge and become a reality. That time is now! As surreal as it feels to me, with every passing minute, I am literally hurtling towards my destiny. The frenetic activities of the last few weeks have kept my head so occupied, that I have had little time to realise I will soon be restarting not only my home but also my working career. With time on my hands sitting in airports and on the planes, that reality is making me a little nervous now. So many new things to learn about, new systems and procedures and the biggie for me, new people. There is so much comfort in the familiar. The new however is going to force me to grow and expand the limits I currently have. To use a catchphrase, "You grow when you go." It is corny but quite apt in my circumstance. Another appropriate quote, "If you don't change direction, you will end up where you are headed." I guess, I just made a major direction change...
My mind drifts to analogies of yachting and similarities of jibbing, trimming the sails to make direction change and to optimise the wind that is available but my nautical knowledge would probably embarrass me. Let me just echo Elle's sentiment to BE where you currently are. Make the most of the wind that is available to you. It is your yacht and you have control over the destination. Change your bearing if you don't like where you are heading. Maybe you don't need to change continents, perhaps it's just a small change now, that may be all that is needed to completely alter your long term destination.  

What's The Attraction?

This is the last time I'll be sitting behind my current company laptop writing my Friday morning blog as I am setting out on a new adventure and what expectations we have! More on that in future blogs and yes I do intend to continue blogging.

This week, I attended an Engineer In Training Conference and really admire the skills that these young people are already demonstrating. One presenter gave us an overview of a new mall being built in Nanyuki in Kenya and the design and construction of the building services he was involved with. A line of text in his presentation referred to the escalators that were being installed and resonated something in me. To most of us, we use escalators every time we go to the local mall or shopping centre. A pretty normal occurrence. In Kenya, the escalators being installed would be the first escalators in the country, so in the presenter's words, "would be an attraction in themselves". That sparked a spiral of thoughts of how differently we perceive and value things. If we visited that mall in Kenya, we probably wouldn't have even noticed the significance of the escalators, as they are such common-place items in our lives that we take for granted. Imagine those visitors, riding on them for the first time. How different would their experience be compared to ours? Imagine the excitement, the trepidation, the wonderment of how they work! You and I would just step onto it and think silently, "I hope the hand railing is clean".
To them, the novelty and uniqueness, is the attraction. To us the converse makes the escalators mundane.

What makes something attractive for you? I am not asking about the obvious physical attractiveness of someone. Rather, do you like the new and cutting-edge technology or do you prefer the classics? Are you drawn into the refined cultural activities or are you a bush loving survivor? My adventure is taking me to a place that has been wooing me for many years and it certainly has the natural aspects that are an attraction to me as opposed to any 'hoity-toity' cultural affairs. My take is that we all perceive beauty and are attracted in different manners. There may be some overlap and that's where the common interests lead to friendships, partnerships and marriage. Sharing those attractions is an essential part of forming a bond with someone else. Having a common passion makes it easy to relate to another individual. As a group of runner's we can talk about the pro's and con's of different socks for over an hour. I would never expect everyone to get excited over such things but we all have our specific "sock-conversations". Once again, we need to respect those differences and maybe even try to engage in something outside of our normal attraction-sphere. You may surprise yourself and discover a new passion, or at least learn something new about running socks...

Is It "Just" Friday?

Early alarm. Coffee is made and I'm at my desk getting my blog done before heading off to work. Just another Friday morning.
Work will be the usual rush of one activity to the next with a healthy portion of meetings thrown in for good measure. Then it will be slow trip home in the Friday afternoon traffic. Just another Friday.

What is going to make today stand apart from all the other Fridays? What am I going to do to make this day count or will I just allow it to be a "just day"?

With my future plans coming together as rapidly as they are, I can so easily get caught up in the busyness of ticking off activities that I forget to value my time too. Normal day-to-day living can get you into that same mode where your efforts are so focused on the to-dos that the really important living part is sacrificed.

What was the last great moment you can recall? If it was more than two days ago, you are living "just days" and need to reassess what is taking your focus. You also need to consider when did you last attempt to create a lasting moment for somebody else. These don't have to be elaborate plans but even giving a word of encouragement when you see someone needs it could be what transforms their day from "just" to "great".

We are not merely here to endure the daily grind; we are here to live and to have an abundance of life. I am not referring to wealth and possessions with the word abundance but rather to the life itself. It should be filled with great moments and memories. We are reminded so regularly these days, how quickly our candles can be snuffed out. We should really take a moment, right now, to check if it is going to be "just" Friday today?

Salute

I woke up last week and tried to get writing on my blog for the week and all I got down was the following:
"Well my plans and to-do list items are getting ticked off one by one. How are yours going?
Does the goal seem like it is storming towards you with no relent or does it seem far off in the distance, barely visible?"
I had been awake sine 2 am. trying to figure out itineraries and various other issues that were plaguing my attempt at sleep. I was also so congested with sinus goop that my head felt like it was reaching rupture levels. I decided it was time to call it a wasted attempt and get one more hour in bed before the real alarm went off.

Yesterday (Sunday) I woke up to the news of yet another colleague and friend who succumbed to that horrid disease, cancer. My wife also received news that one of the teacher assistants at her school also passed away on the weekend. This left quite a sombre atmosphere in our home. Yet another reminder of the fragility of this precious life we have been gifted with. It also reminded me of how crucial it is to tell people the important things they need to know. Like my friend Nico, I really respected him and admired how he conducted himself in business and in general interactions with people. When he looked at someone, he saw more than just the function a person performed but that there was a real person with emotions, issues and an actual personal life they are dealing with. Perhaps it was because his own personal experiences that brought him to that realisation, but whatever it was, he loved people and always looked for the good in someone despite how they treated him. That is inspirational for anyone to see. My regret is that I never told him that! Sometimes it is hard for guys to open up like that, especially to another guy. That whole macho bravado image thing, in the face of real life, means nothing! Open up and tell someone next to you something you admire about them. Do it now! It may just be the highlight in their day to uplift them and change their mood.

My wife started something with my boys in the evenings where we have to talk about a highlight of our day. We have been doing this for some time now and gets us to think about something that made us smile, laugh or just feel good inside. No matter how lousy the day seemed, there is always something that stands out as a positive highlight. If you went around creating those highlights in other people's lives, it would make their highlight discussion in the evenings a lot easier. In fact it would make your discussion easier too, as creating those sparkles is uplifting for your own soul.

This morning was a beautiful blue skied spring morning. Strangely, on arrival at my office, there was literally a large grey cloud over our building which pretty much summed up how I was feeling over Nico's passing and the atmosphere in office seemed to echo the same grey sentiments. As the sun burned through the clouds the blue sky is now fully visible again. As life goes on, so the pain of losing a friend, will be burned off to reveal blue skies again. Nico, I salute you and I am truly grateful for having the privilege of knowing you and working alongside you. Respect to a truly great man.

Work in Progress

I am a small network type of guy and looking at the number of Facebook friends I have, definitely puts me in the small group category. AND I'm more than ok with that. I prefer to have one-on-one conversations. Put me in a crowd of more than 3 and I start to feel claustrophobic...

Last night on Facebook, I saw a recently updated profile photo of a friend of mine from school and university days. The photo just reminded me that, although we haven't spoken in years, I know who he is and I know that his character will be exactly the same as he was back then. He was a genuinely good person and that is why I chose to keep him in my circle. Looking at his photo I can still see that goodness shining out of him. (It sounds a bit ridiculous as I am writing this but bear with me.) I, on the other hand was probably a charity case for him. Someone who was lost and needing some direction and that's probably why he kept me in his circle, to make sure I didn't get too lost. Either way, the connection was made. Who have you allowed into your circle and for what reasons? Do you make connections easily and rack up the number of followers like a celebrity or are you slow to let your guard down and only after careful screening do you let a certain chosen few in?
We all have multiple circles with various access limits at each circle. Those in the outer circle are for superficial, functional type interactions whilst those closer to the core become more intimate. We each decide how accessible we make each of those circles. My Fort-Knox circle is quite impenetrable and that's how I like it. No trespassers! I keep my 'precious' close to me and every-one else at a distance. That's just me and not how everyone operates their circles. The down-side is that the distance between my core circle and the outer ring is heavily armoured with shields, barbed-wire and probably a few land-mines too. Not conducive to welcoming new people into the circle at all. But to those that are 'forced' to endure, get to see past the wall of barricades and get a glimpse of me. Some even like what they see and stay. Some keep themselves at the perimeter, perhaps because they don't approve or perhaps for their own safety. With me, it's a process, taking substantial time to allow someone through the minefield. It is very seldom that someone is granted instant access. How guarded or open is your circle? What does it take to gain access to your inner ring? Understanding this will explain who is in your life and who is influencing you. Allowing just anyone to your core will expose you to so many conflicting ideas, misdirection, confusion and ultimately being lost. Not allowing anyone at all will keep you isolated, alone and directionless. It's to find the right balance that suits you.
I am working on removing some of the mines and barriers in my outer circles to be able to find more genuinely good people like my mate from high school. Work in progress!

Life's Algorithm

So I missed my wakeup call last Friday as I was up pretty late tackling items on my to-do list. The weekend was also almost as frenetic, although I did allow myself some couch time on Sunday to watch the mountain bike downhill world championships held in Italy. What a spectacular event that turned out to be with some of the worst crashes I've seen at that level of racing! I almost felt I should turn it off in fear that my wife would issue a ban on mountain bike riding for all boys in the house. During a family get-together on the weekend, my children managed to come away with a Rubik's cube. I have never learnt the secret of solving the puzzle, so with the help of Google, decided that it was time. I always figured that there were standard "moves" to be able to reposition any piece without disturbing what has already been completed. One tutorial showed about 5 algorithms (combinations of moves) that would allow you to solve the cube. It is actually that simple. Learn the steps and when to apply the particular algorithm and you can solve the Rubik's cube. If only life issues could be solved with similar simplistic algorithms... But then again life is not a simple 6 sided geometrical object. Life has infinitely many facets that makes it worth living. It is not simple at all and we should never desire it to be. Life was created for us to experience love, which in itself is an unexplainable miracle. I wouldn't want my relationship with my wife and children to be an UFU'FDUF' algorithm. I want to be surprised by what stories they tell me and what they are thinking. I want it to be full of new adventures. I admit, I do find comfort in routine but there is a place for the routine and a place for spontaneity. As in most things it's about finding the right balance and for every individual that balance will be different. Maybe you desire a routine-dominant living? Just be prepared for the off-track detours that life will throw at you. Those that live 'on-the-fly', be prepared for situations where you will need to follow rules and structure. Don't get caught up in trying to change that moment into what you would feel more comfortable with. Some circumstances are just what they are, whether we fully comprehend it or not! Don't waste your energy trying to reprogram the situation. Push through. You will either find yourself enduring and moving on, or you may enjoy the experience such that you may even seek out more of the "other" life. You may find your balance dial is shifting. That there, is probably the closest you are going to get to an algorithm for life: Balancing your expectations for routine and impulse-driven situations. 

Your Canopy View

I have written about perception before, but something I was thinking about yesterday brought the concept into a new light:
We all have perceptions or views of certain things based on our own make-up and experiences. Sometimes we agree with those around us and in some cases we are going completely against the flow. I think, most of the time we are aware of our stand in relation to those around us. You can generally gauge the level of acceptance or rejection through conversation and people's general demeanor towards you. Depending on your degree of passion and fervency for the issue, you may try and win over those who have alternative views or possibly just sit back quietly and observe or even be swayed to the alternative.

What happens when your viewpoint is all that you are able to see?

You have no idea of any other possible condition or circumstance that is actually very real in other people's lives. There may be a such a disconnect that the people seem to actually live in different realms. A friend reminded me of a seem in the Hobbit where there was absolute confusion when the hobbits were lost in the Mirkwood forest. Climbing to the top of the trees and breaking through the canopy revealed a completely different world. There was colour, light, air and a different view of the surroundings. Sometimes we can be walking alongside somebody and not even realise the darkness they are experiencing. Sometimes we are so caught up in our own "canopy view" that we forget there are others lost in the forest. It's when we think our view is all that there is, that we have a major problem. We need to remind ourselves there are many fighting dark battles against sickness, depression, strife and rejection. Take a moment to really look at who is around you. Have a real conversation with them and just for a moment, see the world through their eyes. You may gain a greater appreciation and respect for the character that they are. The world could do with some more mutual respect.

What's The Plan?

Last week I wrote about the waiting room and within a few hours of sending that post out, I received an email regarding my waiting room experience and without going into too much detail, it was an invitation to the next room. So begins a new chapter and with it some new challenges and new experiences. My personality is typically, structured and organised, so without a plan or at least a detailed to-do list, I feel completely out of control and as a result have a whirlwind of thoughts spinning around my head. A colleague once asked me if it was normal to feel so over-whelmed with the volume of work to be completed within the specified time-frame, that one ends up actually doing nothing (other than stressing about that work). I now know exactly what he means, as a week has passed and I feel that I have not accomplished nearly enough. In fact I have not even made my list!

Brad's To-do List:
-Make the List !!!

(I feel better already.)

Any project of great success should be prepared for by planning what needs to be done, by when and by whom. If this is done early enough, then priority can be assigned to the items requiring early completion rather than incorrectly focusing on less urgent items and then missing deadlines on the more urgent activities. This, of course, has to be continually reviewed and adjusted, as life is dynamic and this can affect how we have predicted the plan.

What are you planning for? Do you have an organised to-do list that you are working through?
Perhaps you are renovating your house, buying a new car, embarking on a new business venture, or getting married. Each will require some form of plan as a vehicle to get you to your goal. It may be a detailed gantt chart with measured milestones, each with carefully calculated budgets and timings. Maybe your personality type thrives on spur of the moment action and the thought of developing a list would put you into an instant coma; suffocating your creativity, so you work on a loose idea you have in your head and make the necessary adjustments along the way. Both have their appropriate place and work for different people and different scenarios. As mentioned, I am a list-person so nothing happens in my world without a list.

For your plan, try different methods and find what fits and works for you and your particular goals. If it doesn't go strictly to plan, that's ok. Review and adjust. Don't abandon the goal just because the plan didn't work out the way you envisaged. Perhaps the detour will teach you something new...

Waiting Room Survival

I found myself at the Doctor's rooms this week with a throat infection I just could not shake with natural remedies. More than a week of lemon-ginger tea brews, homeopathic drops, salt water gargling was more than I could stand, so time to get the antibiotics. While in the waiting room, I always enjoy observing what the other patients do. It's one of those elevator-type environments where the wait is too short to initiate some sort of interaction and we all seem to have this almost embarrassment of being ill, so we convey a courteous oblivion to everyone else in the room. There is no talking, some flicking through of the available magazines but most people these days, just look down at their phones as a convenient way to not make eye-contact with anyone else in the room. It's almost a relief when there is a boisterous child in the room to absorb all the attention.
I'm sure there are psychologists who have studied this phenomenon and can explain exactly why it is that we behave like this, I just find it interesting to watch.

What other waiting rooms in life have the same effect? I'm not referring to physical rooms but rather a period in your life when you are waiting for something to happen. Your plans are progressing but there is about to be a major change and you find yourself waiting for it. You find yourself in that room, keeping your head down, just keeping busy while waiting for your name to be called to be allowed to move into that next room.

I have previously written about "Losing the Now", and whether I am consciously aware of the waiting room environment or whether I am able to escape and feel 'free', I have really tried to make the most of every day. I can't say I am always successful, but I am at least aware of what I should be doing.
Reading the news, there are so many people who don't get to have a tomorrow. What if their last day was just a waiting room experience? They were waiting for better things and hoping for a better life but lost so much by their waiting-room behaviour.

Celebrate every new day as if was the day you have been waiting for. Connect with the people around you. They too might be in a 'waiting-room' and a friendly gesture might just ease their tension as well as provide a mechanism to change your focus. Don't keep your head down with your eyes trapped on your phone.

Escape the waiting-room and celebrate your now!

Podium-Vision

With the Olympic Games well under way I find it hard not to be inspired by the athletes who put every ounce of effort they have into their event. Seeing the absolute elation of achieving something so few could ever achieve. Grown men and women brought to tears by their sense of accomplishment. How can you not feel inspired? When last did you have a goal so grand, so huge, that it scared you? Are you currently working towards achieving that goal? Have you envisioned yourself on your 'podium' receiving the medal you have had set your eyes on?
I have an enormous goal I am working towards. One that makes me nervous. In fact when I think about it, I am terrified by it, but I believe with all my heart that the goal is so worth working towards that I press on through the anxiety and stresses that I feel. Some days however, I do question my goal and feel I have turned down the wrong path. Days when I seem to be facing closed doors with every step I take. My podium-vision needs to be crystal clear on those days, so I can pick myself up and take another step, knock on another door and move closer to my goal. Staying put, in a heap on the ground, with that closed door in front of me, is not going to take me anywhere. Stand up and take another step forward. Those athletes believe in themselves and want to have the race of their life on that day. They don't want to look back and think, "I actually could have done better if..."
In my race I want to say, "I put it all out there, gave it the best of what I had and then some!" No regrets or remorse or what if's. I believe it is going to happen. I believe I am going to stand on that podium and receive my medal. I believe I too will cry when I grasp that my goal has become reality.

What is your podium-vision?

Let it Linger

What a strange thing National elections can be! I don't know if I was the only one in South Africa who experienced unusually courteous behaviour after our people had the opportunity to vote. People were smiling more to the point I thought I had some left over muesli stuck to my face. A taxi even stopped at a pedestrian crossing, gave a toot on his hooter and gestured for me to cross, also smiling broadly! There just seemed to be this silent agreement to be friendlier, regardless of whom they voted for. I imagine it is the sense of empowerment and equality experienced that 'levelled' the mental self-importance field. I just hope the agreement is not short-lived and the emotions generated by that voting process linger a little longer.

I imagine the reverse emotion may also come into play, if you vehemently believe that the party you support is better than everyone else, to the extent that you are willing to use violence and intimidation to 'encourage' others to follow too. How short sighted as this is the best method to further supporters from your cause!

I read an article the other day, that I couldn't quite agree with. It revolved around our brains instinctive responses. The flight-or-fight sector was monitored in response to stimuli. In this case a person's racial group. The results indicated that a reaction was generated when a person of dissimilar race was presented and the conclusion was that humans may be predisposed to be racist. There was no discussion about the subject's community up-bringing, racial exposure or anything of that matter that may program a person's thought pattern, instinctive or cognitive. I recall a story my sister told me when she was back-packing through Africa and visited remote villages where no (or very few) white people visited. The people were fascinated with her and kept rubbing her arm to see if it was paint and stroked her straight hair as they had never seen anything like this before. I am sure the instinctive parts of their brains were responding in hyper-mode and not because of their predisposed racial tendencies but merely because they were seeing something different. My point is that we are different! We have different opinions, different priorities, we look different and we will support different political parties. What we have to do is not pretend that there is no difference but rather appreciate those differences and engage in one another's worlds to experience something new, even if your flight-or-fight receptor is buzzing.

Will You Be the One to Stop?

This week I have been feeling very sorry for myself. I have managed to strain my 'glutes' which have become so stiff that my gait resembles that of a star wars robot. The seized muscles have almost locked up any movement in my waist and manifested in terrible back pain. Any one who has experienced back-pain knows how limiting it is because anything other than sitting still results in searing pain. What this has reminded me of is, that when a part of the body is suffering, the rest of the body is also affected. All focus is on the problem and all actions are concerned with improving the situation. My irritability is directly related to the level of discomfort I am experiencing and the heat packs, massaging, deep heat and trying be still are all the actions taken to get well again. Little else occupies my mind while in this level of discomfort.

If this is a natural manner to respond to a body in distress, then why don't we have a similar instinctive response to another person in distress? Why is it that our empathy for others can run so shallow? Sure, our close family and friends get a measure of compassion but how far do we really go within our actual limits of ability? Do we do just enough to appease any guilt that might plague us or do we put it all on the line?

Taking it a step further, what are you prepared to do for complete strangers in distress?

I know we can't go around helping every single individual in need. That's just not practical. You must find an avenue that 'speaks' to you. I know that sounds a bit new agey but I'm sure you have had that inner voice speak to you about situations and impresses on you what you should do. I had a situation the other day driving home where I saw a whole family who appeared homeless and were transporting their belongings on a small flatbed trolley on the side of the M4 highway. A young couple with two boys probably around 7 and 8 years old. Something in me urged me to pull over and give them some money. I wish I could tell you a moving outcome for this story but I did not listen to the urging and dismissed it as crazy and just carried on driving. I don't know how or why that family was in the situation they were in or what they would have done with the money. All kinds of thoughts about drug abuse, being too lazy to find menial work, run through my head probably to validate my non-action. I will probably never know the why or where they end up, I just know I missed out on an opportunity to bless them. Perhaps that money would have been enough to get new clothes that made him presentable for a job that could set them back on track again? There was a "body" in distress and another part of the body (me) just drove on by, ignoring the message it had received.
I wonder how many other drivers with the same received message drove on by?
I wonder if there was one who stopped and attended to the body that was suffering?

The Life Defining Moment

I always remember an episode of the Oprah show where she was speaking about life defining moments and how we all have specific moments that we can say have altered us and shaped who we are today. As we grow older and have new experiences, the ranking of those defining moments continually changes. What seemed immeasurably important to you at one stage can dissolve into insignificance when put into perspective of new revelations of value.

When I think of  my life defining moments, my list starts with my accident and the loss of my son, Michael. These two moments stand head and shoulders above anything else I have ever been through and have forever changed my perspective. My accident has rearranged my priorities and made me realise the value of my beautiful family and how short that precious time could be. It also made me aware that even when we feel isolated from the world, there are many people who care even if we don't get daily confirmation of this. Take stock of those people while you can. It also made me realise that I need to make a difference with my life and not just survive it. Losing Michael was hugely traumatic but opened up an area of my heart that I never knew existed. It showed me the magnitude of love I could have for another human and allowed me to fully embrace this alien concept of fatherhood without any limitation of my love for Matt and Dan.

How would I have learned these things without actually experiencing those dark moments?
Did I enjoy those times? Of course not, but am I better off for them? Absolutely! I have gained so much from those experiences that I would never have gained in any other way. I guess that's the my experiential truth of the saying that it is the darkest moments that reveal even the tiniest of lights.

I'm sure you can immediately think about experiences that have affected you as well. Perhaps you are in one of those moments of darkness, not understanding why, not being able to see the end, filled with fear or anger or just completely over-whelmed by it. Remember your other life defining moments you have over-come and trust you will pull through this one as well. Trust that you will be stronger for it.

If you are currently in a good space, reflect on your life defining moments and see how you can utilise those experiences to help someone else. Take the time to help them to see that light in the darkness.  This could be your first step into the "People are Good" movement.

Join the "People are Good" Movement

I am very quick to pass judgement on other peoples' actions. The way they cut me off in traffic circles, the way they conduct their finances, the way they speak to others and the list could go on and on... I know I am super critical of others behaviour and probably have an unrealistic expectation of the general human race, but maybe I live in everlasting hope that one day it will change.

What I am not so quick at judging is: all my shortfalls in the exact same categories! Why is it ok for me to drive fast and get impatient (read drive on his rear bumper, flashing lights) with the guy who is driving sedately. "Doesn't he have any respect for others?" Did I ignore that family who was destitute making some 'rational' explanation in my mind how they got themselves there so why should I go out of my way to help? Is it really acceptable even if the things I said were done in defense of my character so I have no reason to apologise. I am being real here. Judge me if you want, but if you check yourself, perhaps you will find similar shortfalls. There are so many areas I can improve on, I just have to decide to do it, regardless of my internal rationalising.
I was watching a reality program where two guys travel over 9000 km across South America, starting their journey by emptying their pockets of all money. They have to rely on the willingness of people who would allow them to work in exchange for food and shelter along their journey. At the end of the journey the comment was, "People are good!" I really long for the day I can truly believe that about people because right now my opinion has become quite jaded. Seeing how families with almost nothing, invite these strangers into their homes and provide them with food sparked a little glow in me that within humanity there is still hope. We each have that option to be part of the "People are good" movement or we can continue being suspicious and keep everyone at arm's length, or perhaps further.
Let's be the reason someone else says, "People are good," rather than waiting to find the reason in someone else! Go ahead make someone's day.

(check out this site http://www.peopleforgood.ca/do-some-good/ )

One Small Act

So this morning I stare at this white screen again with my only thoughts being about me being back in bed under the duvet for an extra couple of moments of sleep. Very little thoughts that could change the world. A quick look at e-mails but found nothing to ignite a fire of creativity. Nothing. Not even a spark. Now that creativity has been brought into focus, my thoughts have drifted to music which is one of hugest passions. I absolutely love listening to music and have a wide range of listening tastes right from classical through to those screaming metal heads. I know many people really love music, but for me, it is such an integral part of me that I really wouldn't be the same person if music couldn't be part of my life. What is that "thing" for you that would change your make-up if it was removed?
Is it photography, surfing, rugby, painting, animals, cooking, shopping,...? What would make your like dramatically less rewarding if you couldn't do it any more?

The next question is, what are you doing to cherish that thing? Do you take it for granted what it is that you are able to do or enjoy? Previously, I wrote about gratitude, so here is an opportunity to practise some gratitude and not take life's passions for granted.

Are you able to use that passion to inspire or serve others? What better way to use a passion than to improve the world for others around yourself. Can your passion for animals help raise awareness in others about the atrocities occurring around the globe? Can your creativity inspire others into another higher emotional state? Can your passion ignite another's passion? Giving them the thought, "I'd like to try and do something like that!"

Can you expand on your passion to make some regular activity more exciting? I listen to music when doing pretty much anything, maybe to stop my thoughts drifting (too far) in the silence of my office or while out on a run. The music just seems to keep me focused on what I need to do rather than allowing random distractions to pull my mind away with the slightest of things. Imagine every activity you are involved in being raised to levels of passion similar to "the thing". Imagine that the thought of hanging washing on the line brought a smile to your face or facing a sink full of dishes before bedtime got you really excited. Silly examples but the point I am making is that we need to find some passion in our daily activities as well as that one "thing". Learn to enjoy those menial tasks. Find something in them that makes you feel good. Something that you can proudly say to yourself that you made a difference there. Maybe it's wiping down the coffee station at the office after a careless colleague spilt his drink and didn't notice (or bother) to clean up. Do it with the thought that the next person will be able to use a clean space. Do it without expecting recognition. Do it knowing that you made a difference there. It is such a trivial example but that is how it starts. Start today by doing something small. It really is no sacrifice at all, but persist in doing something small everyday and it will become a habit. In fact you would start feeling really good about it. In fact it could become your "next thing"!
Now think about everyone adopting that same approach of one small act everyday, people would actually begin to change how they treat and respond to one another and the world could actually be changed. I can't make you change but I can do my small act today and hope someone enjoys the benefit. Will you try and do the same?

Keep the Gratitude

Last weekend, on a pretty miserable weather day, I opted to not hit the mountain bike trails but to rather lie-in a bit. In our house that means something around 7 am. Not wanting to have to endure the internal guilt of not doing my quota of training, I hauled out the indoor trainer and settled in for my morning torture session. Sweat towel in position, water bottle filled and earphones in; hit play on the random playlist and start pedalling. I managed to just close my eyes, got a good pedalling cadence established and seemed to drift away with the music. One particular song came on singing, "I am a miracle," and it just struck me (again) how it is a miracle that I am alive and in fact able to ride a bicycle at all. Five years ago, people weren't saying it but is was in many of their minds that my time had come. At one point I too was ready to give up as well. That was five years ago and I have been able to return to do all the things I was able to do before the accident. "I am a miracle!" I have so much to be thankful for and although I have daily reminders of that event, I often forget, or take for granted, that I am still able-bodied and -minded.

Take stock of what your blessings are and what you should be grateful for. I was reading a book and a chapter was discussing gratitude and how we should make it a daily event to state what we are grateful for. I have tried to implement this with our children at bed-time with moderate success.  This is something, that with practise will become a norm. How awesome would a reflection of the day be, remembering all the positives that happened rather than focusing on those 'black spots'? Hopefully, persevering with this bed-time routine, my children will learn to see, and remember, that they have so much rather than expecting more and more all the time.

No matter the circumstances, there is always something to be grateful for. Some days you may have to search a little harder through the fog but there will be days when you won't be able to stop.
Just keep being grateful.

Are You Entitled?

Once again I have this over-whelming awareness that my emotions are being dominated by anger. There is so much going on in the world again that makes being a human embarrassing. Maybe more so, living in South Africa where so much of what we do or can't do, out of fear for our safety, is based on other people's selfish actions. Vandalism and looting of innocent people's property during protest marches is just beyond my comprehension and raises a level of anger best not put into words. I have no issue with protest marches and fully believe we should be able to stand up for what we believe in but when it turns into a free shopping spree, unlawful damage and just plain disruption for those completely unrelated to the reason for the march, then I have real issues and really obscene thoughts in how to deal with such groups of 'people'.

So that is some of the external sources fuelling my anger-fire. I am also aware of some self-fuelling efforts that seem to go on inside my mind as well. I have written about that voice that speaks to you and how it is you who actually has control of what it is telling you. Reject the negative comments and build on the positive. One thing I have learnt of myself is that I can over-build (if there is such a word) on certain positives to the extent that I believe that I am actually entitled to certain things, purely because I have taught myself to believe it. It goes further than that because when in reality, these things don't line up in the way I know to be the "right" way, then I become angered because of the "injustice".

"Don't they know I am entitled to that?"
"I have worked really hard on this so why don't I get more?"
"Look at that guy, driving in his Ferrari. What did he do to deserve it? He must be a drug-dealer!"

It is embarrassing for me to say but yes, those have been real conversations in my head! In confessing this, I am trusting that I am not the only one, that there are others with similar thoughts.

My sense of entitlement is maybe based on jealousy, times of no or little acknowledgement and also acute awareness of those who gain based on nothing but their network of relations rather than actual merit. Just read the local newspapers about our politicians...

The reality is still the reality and dwelling in these moments of 'injustice' does nothing than to fuel that anger-fire even more. As I have written before, pick up the remote and change the channel your mind is tuned into. Find something better to meditate on. Things that are true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable; anything that is excellent or praiseworthy. And yes that is great advice from  the Bible that is applicable to everyone.

Starting today, when that sense of entitlement is feeling a little strangled by what you are experiencing in reality, pause that moment and just check why you believe you are entitled and you may be shocked to see your rationale is not so pure.
(I am just putting it out there that I will probably always believe that Ferrari drivers have some association with drug-dealing though...)

What Do You See?

Perception has always fascinated me as it is such a personal experience. We can all undergo exactly the same situation but could have completely different perceptions of what it meant to you based on your prior experiences, your thought process or even your mood. As a child I had an extreme idea of personal perception; I would wonder if my reality was the same reality the person next to me was experiencing or if this was a Matrix-type of world for each of us. Perhaps we didn't even share the same world we were experiencing. Of course I loved it when the Matrix movie was released, as it echoed some of these thoughts but did make me question reality all over again...
Having friends who were colour-blind encouraged this thinking. "How could two people see the same thing and perceive it completely differently?". I imagined at times that even our language was spoken and interpreted in completely different ways. In the same way that a tree is still interpreted as a tree to the colour-blind person (even though it may be completely brown), could words be heard or even read completely differently but yet interpreted with the same meaning? That's just my crazy thinking!

One test of perception that has always stuck in my mind though, is of a person holding up a piece of paper with a small black dot on the page and asking the audience what they see. The reply is always, "A black dot." That is how our thought patterns have been trained, to identify what is seemingly out of place or is more prominent. What about the rest of the piece of paper? Was it not also held up and in clear view for the audience? It is never identified. Always just the black dot!

Has our perception filter been developed into something that focuses us onto the blemishes rather than the overall good that is there in front of us?

I wonder if the same could be asked of how I (we) have been perceiving the world lately? A few very disappointing experiences with people has resulted in my focus being on those situations and the way it has affected me. I have overlooked the many, many, many... many great people and experiences I have had with them. I have distanced myself from the world and limited my interactions to be purely 'functional'. My defence mechanism in hyper-drive you might say. I can state with absolute certainty that staring at the black dot on the piece of paper does not bring any enjoyment. In fact it doing so reminds yourself and re-emphasizes that the clean sheet of paper has been 'ruined'. The voice in my head constantly saying, "No going back, it is ruined!". And the rest of the clean sheet of paper is just waiting to be put to good use and appreciated...

Time to change my focus off the black dot and live on all of the rest that this great world has to offer.

Now is Always a New Experience

Moving on from finding your 'Now', you have to experience your 'Now' too. Whether it is a unique and exciting adventure or simply waiting at the airport terminal. You have to be there to own the moment. So many times I just get lost in my thoughts I am not really part of the experience and may just lose out on learning something new. Each and every experience is a potential learning experience. We should be exploring the world with eyes of a child, as if we were experiencing things for the first time. Looking for the new in everything. As often as we do seemingly routine tasks, I can guarantee you that there will be something new and unique you can find in each occasion. If you struggle to find the 'New', then make it. Alter your routine slightly, go a different route, sit in a different place. Doing this will place you in new environments where you can find the 'New'. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant the 'New' is, try it.

This is quite a difficult concept for me to adopt as I am a systematic, routine type of person. I think I would be happier if I was in fact a robot! Change is not easy for me and is always accompanied by a mountain of stress. In the world we live in, change seems to be occurring faster and faster or perhaps our lives just seem to be progressing quicker and quicker. Either way we encounter change at a rapid rate. Being stubborn and trying to resist the flood of change is in fact futile. (Saying that, perhaps I am part robot. Star Trek joke for us nerds.) There is so much to gain by using new methods but you will have to try it to really know for yourself.

So this message is probably directed at myself more than anybody else, to let the 'New' happen and work with it to make it a positive 'New' even if it is seemingly wrong. If the change is inevitable or you have little control over the outcomes, then even more reason to work with 'it' to turn it into something positive. Fighting will only bring more anguish and stress. I do not see this as 'giving in' but rather working to make the most of what you are dealt. If you are not going to do it, it is highly unlikely anybody else will do it for you. So take charge of your 'Now' and make the 'New' an experience you want it to be.  

I've Lost My Now

Of recent, I seem to be so future focussed that I have lost touch with my present and now. I was vaguely aware of it but considered the end goal of such importance that the now could wait. Life seemed to be on hold until the plan becomes a reality. I guess the subtle messages I have been receiving have suddenly brought that awareness into scrutiny and has revealed the acute importance of now. I watched a video that explored how our conscience perceives the precise instance of now and that our mind doesn't really exist in a singular moment of time but continually references a window of time to pre-empt what is about to happen so as to be prepared. So our ability to catch a glass falling off a table is as a result of our mind observing the potential risk, predicting that it could fall, understanding from past experience that if it should fall, in which direction it will travel and the consequence of the event. Our mind has already planned a reaction in case of the event before it has even occurred. This is our mind living in the now and millions of such reactions are planned in preparation of the possible scenarios we may encounter. This is reviewed on a micro-scale but the same is true over longer time frames. So in my case, my focus has been on plans for months in the future with very little attention for the current week or even month. A book I picked up to continue reading spoke about young children's impatience and demanding of everything now. "Now is the natural dwelling place for them. They don't spend much time in the past or in the future. Now is always a brand-new adventure." This perceived impatience is really children's "sign of aliveness."

"Now is the only real time."

"Now is their (the children's) best chance for happiness. Now is where they will find love. now is the time to go for it. When they look into now, they see the totality of possibilities."

We seem to drum that enthusiasm out of our children and teach them the 'art' of patience where perhaps we should be learning some of their spontaneity and relish the moment of now and make the most we could of it.

This week I was also reminded how, without any warning and so very quickly, now can be taken away. However fantastic my plans are for next year, the now is what I actually have to work with and I ask my self, "Am I being the best husband, father, son, brother, friend that I can be right now?" How sad if my eulogy read something like, "He wasn't really great to live with in the last few months he was around, but next year he was going to be awesome."

HAPPINESSISNOWHERE

You decide how you want to read that. Is it three words or four? Find your now and work on making it a happy place. Don't forget your future plans but keep your now fully in focus.

When No-One Is Around

When no-one is around, what do you think about? Are you so busy with tasks that you don't move past the focus of the activities that still need to be completed or do you have a tv-mind with infinite channels that keeps hoping from one to the next to the next, pausing momentarily if something catches your eye and then moving on when you get bored?
I'm the latter and sometimes if I am honest with myself, I don't like the channels I am choosing but sometimes I feel that I just don't have the will to change the channel or better yet switch it off and get my mind to do something more constructive.

Is your mind space something you are proud of?
A place you are comfortable to invite people to truly see your inner workings?
What do you say to yourself about others?
What do you say to yourself about yourself?
What do you say to yourself about your future?

If we are being really honest in answering this, I'm sure I can say that we all go through times where we are really ashamed of our program choices. We of course have to process "issues" somewhere and perhaps it is better to resolve or settle things in your mind before verbalising every thought you have... The problem comes about when you keep continuously keep switching back to that channel until by habit it becomes your default setting. Check what your mind is watching and put some keep that remote controls handing to change to something better for your spirit.

Advice About Washing

snuggery - noun [snuhg-uh-ree]
British: a comfortable or cozy room / a snug place or position.

After the recent frustrations I was ranting on about in my last blog, a long weekend was just what the doctor (probably psychiatrist) ordered. A time for some rest in my snuggery. Unfortunately that had to come to an end and with it, the attack on the replenished 'patience tanks' began in earnest again.
I've just realised that it is in fact an attack and is part of a greater scheme to wear me down to breaking point. Guess what? I'm no push-over! I will survive this season and come through all the stronger for this experience. I had a very encouraging talk with a pastor friend of mine who reminded me of what is really important in this life and where we should be placing our focus.

• Firstly on God who will never give us more than we can handle and will be our strength in these trying times. 
• Secondly, our family who usually get our worn-out left-over efforts which are never pretty!

Time to take the focus off the problems and place priority on those whom matter most.
Do what you are able to, to resolve the problems and then leave them in the past. Don't drag them along with you, they become such a weight to bear and don't provide any value at all! The next time you find yourself putting the same thoughts of a problem through your mind's washing machine, stop and check to see if you are actually moving forward in making a solution or if it is just spinning around without water and washing powder. The problem is going to come out in very much the same state it went in, except you have wasted a heap of energy on it. Either, start making plans for the solution or move on to a different task you can make a real difference with. Perhaps that problem wash needs to soak a bit before the marks come out?

Don't Give In To Gravity

Gravity has a purpose. It was specifically designed to enable life on earth as we know it. It is constant and uniform. Some days however,  I can feel that I have overcome gravity and I literally feel like I am bouncing with every step I take. Other days, I feel like the pull of gravity has been dialled up as part of a cruel experiment on this oversized terrarium. I have had this as a physical response when my body is so fatigued that my legs just feel multiple times heavier than they normally do. I have also had this as an emotional response where I have felt the effect of gravity collapsing everything in around me. To be honest, recently the latter feeling has been prevalent more often than the lightness of the almost zero-gravity state. There are many reasons why, the details of which I won't go into here but just that it has been a multi-faceted "attack" on my mind-space and not just a singular incident that has hi-jacked my attention. It has been a gradual building of a load; a little added at a time such that each change seems manageable so I would carry on seemingly unaffected. With each addition however, my threshold of stamina and strength was being drained and with any endurance event, one can only last so long before fatigue will set in. Two things must happen to complete the event, either you must be near or at the end of the race to be able to cross the finish line with the strength you have left or the effort you are placing on yourself must be reduced by slowing down. Well I found the same happening to me except I am nowhere near the finish line so I began to be pulled down. That heavy gravity effect. The world felt like it was being vacuum packed around me, suffocating and squeezing as it was closing in. Yet I still expected myself to keep moving forward with the load placed on my shoulders. I have realised that this is unsustainable and is seriously unhealthy to endure. Fortunately I have not succumbed to physical illness but emotionally I have cut myself out "from life". I think this is my self-preservation approach in highly stressful situations. I tend to withdraw and steer clear of any social interaction as these are stress raisers (for me they are). So as a method to avoid additional stress-load I close myself off and get by with what may be considered the bare minimum 'acceptable' interaction before a psychologist is called in. The problem with this approach is that it provides you with so much time to process and re-process the same issues in your mind until that is all you can think of.

I wrote previously of the downward spiral you can find yourself in when you get so inward focussed on the problems that you lose sight of where you should be going and where your focus really should be.
Once again, I have found myself spinning down that spiral despite knowing the correct approach.
How many others find themselves going in a similar direction?
That downward pull of gravity can be substantial and should not be under-estimated. The good news is that it is not insurmountable you can stand up and rise from the downward force of the gravity.

Gravity has a purpose. Just don't give in to it.

We Are the Craftsmen

I had some time to pass while waiting the other evening so managed to read two really short books. (I am an extremely slow reader so they were really short!) The two were quite well linked in terms of content and the message flowed from the one to the next, almost seamlessly. I wanted to share some gems from my reading in this blog.

The first reading introduced something called "the flow state". This is explained as the state you enter when you are doing something and time almost seems to stand still or fade away; your focus is so intense it is "superhuman intense"; the work you do seems effortless and at the same time energises and satisfies you.

The book asked questions like, when last did you experience such a state and what were you doing?

I know when I do coding, I enter this "flow state" as it just seems to be an extension of my self and I can spend hours in that state and find it extremely satisfying (when it compiles and executes as intended). Perhaps I missed my calling...  Can you recall your "flow state"?

The next book was titled "Your Move" by CJ Casciotta and there were some paragraphs that really jumped off the page and I'll copy them here as I wouldn't do them justice by rewriting in my own words.  You will see that there is a musical metaphor running through this boom which of course appealed to me but I am sure you can see the intended symbolism with your dreams and goals.

"You can keep a tune in your head your entire life but until you scratch the notes out on paper and play it, it will never come to life."

"...symphonies start with movements, and movements start with measures, and measures start with chords, and chords start with a single note."

"...I am convinced there are a million creations sitting at the bottom of an ocean of souls begging to be explored, recovered, polished, and treasured, if we could only dive deep enough to hear their cries."

We have been so conditioned by being mature and grounded that the imagination of our youth has been buried in unattainable depths, instead of being allowed to flourish and sprout into wonderful, fantastic creations. We are so busy planning and preparing for tomorrow that we lose out on today. "...the investment we were hoping for was fixed on the future, at the neglect of the present."

"Truly skilled makers don't just make the tangible; they have somehow learned to create the unseen as well. They resolve to become experts at crafting space while carving away comparison, geniuses at smoothing away lies and doubt while sealing in silence and solitude, understanding that this type of craftsmanship is vital to the health and sustainability of their vision."  I wish every task I undertook had the same craftsmanship as described in that paragraph. It becomes a work of art rather than just another deliverable. I imagine if this wish was attainable then every task would become a "flow state" task and a permanent state of nirvana could be achieved.

I watched a documentary and was struck by two individuals who were so satisfied with their jobs that they could not say enough about how great it was and how proud they were to be doing what they were doing. One was sheeting/cladding installer on buildings and the other was a dent remover for a ship building company. Now, I wouldn't have been so enthralled doing either of those jobs but they had such passion for their work and understood that their contribution was extremely important and were proud they could be involved. They have learned to see the real craftsmanship where I only saw a task. Perhaps we should stop for a second, look at our own crafts and skills and appreciate the unique craftsmanship we have to offer.

"You matter. It matters. We belong to a world split into a million fragments, trampled by news clips and sound bites all reinforcing a hopeless future. We desperately need to hear music again, the kind only you can bring. We don't care if it's quiet at first. We could use a little less noise. let the symphony begin. We're waiting to hear you."

'Nicks' and 'Gashes'

One man's hovel may be another man's castle.

There's a fit for everyone. What you may value, may not necessarily be what your neighbour values. This is probably more prevalent in South Africa with the broad cultural and economic base we have. The variety of cars we drive is probably an easy example to demonstrate this, although fashion, homes, social tier and cell phones are equally good examples. I cannot logically spend more than the cost of my house on my car. That's my internal reference control measure of acceptability. Others may see the car as an extremely important representation of themselves to the world and can therefore justify sacrificing on other areas of expenditure or be willing to live in debt.
The point is, that we have different reference levels based on our make-up and individual experiences and needs. Similarly, our response to stress is no different. One man's minor upset could be a real life-changing event for another. "We were planning to have peach cobbler for dessert with our guests but the grocer ran out of peaches." For someone who places huge importance on an event being just perfect, down to matching the colour of the napkins and table decorations to what is being served, this could be a major stress in their life. For someone who doesn't eat every day, this would be of little concern, as what ever is available is a blessing to them.

How have you set up your stress measure control?
A cut on your toe will get very little attention when you have a gaping wound on your chest.

What happens when you have a major event going on that raises your level of stress? How much stress can you actually deal with? The event I am speaking of is in the magnitude of job insecurity, health complications and personal safety or rather lack thereof. No peach cobbler type issues, those are the nicks-on-your-toe type events in comparison.
Unfortunately I don't have the answer for everyone, but I can only suggest that you make sure you are monitoring exactly what it is that is putting you under stress.

• Categorise them. Label them "nicks" or "gashes" so you know what needs your attention. 
• Talk about them with someone you trust. An alternative viewpoint may just reveal that some of those "gashes" aren't really as serious as you perceived them to be. 
• Make an action plan for the gashes and park the nicks until you feel you have enough of the gashes resolved. Having a plan to deal with the stress will give you some affirmation that there is a way forward. Even if it is a long-term plan, it is far better to focus on the path leading to the solution than just staring at the problem, compounding your stress. Give the plan more attention than the actual stress.
• Stress has a significant effect on one's body, especially if for prolonged periods, so find something that you enjoy doing that can replenish your "happy hormones". And I have to mention it, exercise and a healthy way of eating will also help to restore serotonin that is released by the body to deal with stress.

If you are fortunate enough to not be going through a major event, then don't treat the "nicks" as "gashes". As inconvenient and uncomfortable as they may be, they are still only nicks. Don't elevate them just because they can take you focus at this point. Save your energy and efforts for when the real gashes come.

My Hope For Other's Dreams

What stood out this week? Or rather, what positive event stood out this week as the news was full of horrific stories again so I won't even go there... ?

Hope!

A unique human quality of looking into the future and being expectant of an outcome. Maybe animals possess it on a very short time line perspective. My dogs watching my children eating, hopeful of a morsel dropping to the floor, as an example. But they don't look forward to next week and hope that we buy them a new bed or even to tomorrow, that the bowl of food is a little deeper than usual. Theirs is a very limited hope. We on the other hand, can extend of view years into the future and hope for a certain outcome. What are the things you are hoping for? How far into the future are you reaching for? And here's the clincher, how selfish are your hopes? Are they all about you and what you want to achieve or are their some that are purely for others, where you will have zero benefit other than the joy of seeing their dreams realised. I must admit, if I think quickly about what I am hoping for, I am pretty much on the selfish list! I of course have those 'hopes' of a peaceful country, a cure for cancer, better education for all, and so on and so on... but very few specific hopes for specific people in need. I hope I am the minority here and those reading this have far more worthy hopes than myself. There is of course, nothing wrong with personal hopes and dreams but (talking to myself now) don't become completely self-absorbed in yourself. Allow yourself to empathise with another's circumstances and then a hope for a breakthrough for them will develop in you. Everybody needs to have a level of hope and should grasp onto that hope with all they have. Even if it is the slightest thought of something better than where they are now. Without hope, you will have a dreary view of life and a very quick, slippery slide down into depression will ensue. On the other hand, if there is a hope for something small, there is reason to get up and actively look for it. One hope ignites another and another and another. Before long a hope inferno will be raging that others can't help but notice and be inspired. Helping others achieve their hopes and dreams will spread that flame further than your limited boundaries. Once again I ask you, what are the things you are hoping for? What are you doing to help someone else achieve their hopes? Once again, I am so far off the mark on this one, but have realised where I am and will make the change. Will you...?

The Light

This week I have had a number of messages and suggestions revolving around a theme of light so I thought I should explore it a little, embrace the light maybe...

"Sickening, weakening

Don't let another sombre pariah consume your soul

You need strengthening, toughening

It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you

Ignite the fire within you

When you think all is forsaken

Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)

You need never feel broken again

Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Don't ignore, listen to me now (all is not forsaken)

You need never feel broken again

Sometimes darkness

Can show you the light"  

by Disturbed - The Light 

These lyrics stood out for me the other day and reminded me that sometimes, we need to be in a dark place in order for us to appreciate how good the light is. Being in the dark is also a time where we can see where the source of light is, even if it is only a speck way off in the distance but we can at least identify the direction we should be heading to be able to relish the light again. "It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you," sounds quite sinister but the truth is that sometimes we need to be in a really bad space in order to trigger (rekindle) that desire to be great again, to pursue those things that motivate us. I don't believe those fires ever really go out; perhaps diminished or just far from your mind, but never completely out. The busyness of living overshadows what you really want to be doing and you neglect fuelling your inner fire. Stop! Check where you are. Is the light just beginning to fade, maybe an almost indistinguishable fade if you didn't stop to observe it? Perhaps you are already in a space of complete darkness without even realising that you have drifted so far? Maybe you have already set your focus back onto the light and are journeying back again? We all do this journey many times over through our lives and unfortunately the journey into the dark can be traumatic and full of pain but every so often we have to stop ourselves, even before "you think all is forsaken", and find out where the light is and redirect our efforts towards the light. Perhaps you have sufficient light to be able to guide someone else out of their darkness - do it. Even the smallest flame pierces through the darkest night.

Don't wait till you are in complete darkness as the journey back will just be unnecessarily longer than it needs to be. Start now, revel in the light.

Those with a Christian ethos, can also appreciate the symbolism here of dark and light and the constant spiritual battle that wages on. This too is a constant journey into and out of God's light. Not because of Him but because of our actions and attitudes in this life. Choose to be in the light.

It's Not About the 'ME' and 'I' Any More!

I have mentioned it before but my top peeves are arrogance and selfishness. This week my mind has been pre-occupied with the tragic events of Sunday morning when Jared Dwyer and Richard da Silva were murdered while cycling on the M4. It was murder, because when you get into a car intoxicated, way over the legal limit and then start racing another vehicle, it is murder! I am angered to such a degree that individuals can actually be so selfish and so self-absorbed that they can behave in such a manner. Their "fun" has lead to the loss of lives with tremendous impact on family, friends and the whole community they interacted with. What about the passengers in the car? They too are responsible for allowing the driver to actually get behind the wheel. These days, there are so many alternative means of getting around if you see things getting out of hand. At 33 years of age, you really should be mature enough to make responsible decisions. My heart aches for the families and the unnecessary loss they have had to experience. I pray this is the last and that Richard's and Jared's lives create the start of a shift in people's minds, that we have to live together in this land.

It's not about the 'me' and 'I' any more, it's about the 'we' and 'us'.

"Love your neighbour as you love yourself."
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves."

Imagine a land where people actually help one another rather than always trying to see what they can gain. I was pleasantly surprised the other day when I was clearly battling to parallel park (insert red face here) as a pedestrian stopped and help guide me in. He took time out of what he was doing (with friends) and helped me get into that very tiny parking spot... What a simple thing to do which probably cost him less than a minute but made a huge impact on me.

What have you I done recently to selflessly help someone else?

In our daily routines, let's actively seek out opportunities to help someone else, strangers even. Don't wait for the right time or place to do something good for somebody else, do it now. We are all busy and waiting for the 'right' time or when it is 'more convenient' is actually selfish. It has to cost you something, even it it's just 60 seconds of your time, that's what selfless means. You have to think less of your self and value others more.  Do this often enough and it will become habit. Just imagine this attitude going viral and everyone behaving in this manner? A country of selfless people! I can only think how great things would follow when we all adopt this mindset and I truly believe it is really not that difficult to do, it just relies on me and you taking the first step of selflessness. I'm in!