So, I am one of those introspective types who will replay life events over and over in the movie theatre of my mind. Stop. Pause rewind, "How should I have handled that differently?", "What was really meant by that phrase?", "Did I interpret that correctly or does it really mean...?" Rewind, play it again.
It is hard work and is sometimes the reason I don't get the rest I should, hence I am awake at 3 a.m. on Friday morning with an over-active brain again. This time the issue revolves around communication and more precisely, the lack thereof leaving people to draw their own conclusions. A pretty risky and volatile situation especially when people's emotions are involved. Anyway, it has been pretty much all wrapped up and the "lack of an issue" resolved but this event has hi-lited to me (again) the importance of clear communication.
What may be clear in my mind, is likely not fully comprehended by someone else until I explain completely what the intent is.
A good test if the correct message has been properly received is to talk about it and get the listener's understanding of the message to see if it was just heard, or if they actually listened.
Being a stereotype engineer, talking is not one of my strong suits so I seem to fail in this communication domain quite often when it comes to life's soft issues. Generally for me, talking is a functional activity and not recreational, so I am quite succinct in delivering my message and usually get the request or information transfer done quite efficiently. Small talk is not for me!
However, for some reason the emotional type issues are parked in my brain and communicated sparingly and almost always in a spy-interrogation style conversation.
One would think that someone with a bit of intelligence would learn the value of not doing this over and over again and actually relinquish the burden of carrying these "non-issues". I guess character make-up is pretty difficult to change. I say difficult, not impossible. I believe I can improve on this area in my life and hopefully get my mind some rest. I know, I am not the only one who functions in this manner, and hope those who can relate, or those who interact with similar people, can be encouraged to also change and improve in this aspect.
"That which we are capable of feeling, we are capable of saying." - Cervantes
"Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing." - Rollo May
While mountain-biking on Tuesday, I came to appreciate the instinctive learning ability we possess as humans. If you do something often enough, you learn how to react without even thinking about it. Riding through some rocky sections, I found myself a bit off the right riding line and in for a potential fall. Without any conscious thought, my body repositioned itself and and immediately the bike came back onto course again. This is pretty normal for any mountain biker but as an engineer I can appreciate the dynamics of the forces and momentum that play their role in making this possible. I always imagine programming a robot to perform the same 'balancing acts' we can do as second-nature. (My engineer geek is showing isn't it?)
The thought of this ability has stuck with me and I have been wondering how we can use it in a positive way. Writing it down now, it seems pretty obvious: "If you do something often enough, you learn how to react without even thinking about it."
If you continually encourage, uplift, guide, comfort, console then these will be your automatic reactions to situations. If you always face life with a cheerful and enthusiastic demeanour, then this will be your automatic reaction. The key is to be doing it continually such that it becomes habit. Just as in learning to ride that rocky section of trail, it was only by continually riding it, that I learned how to correctly position myself. It was not a once off experience and I immediately knew what to do. It took numerous attempts at pushing through, consciously thinking about how much brake should I use and how far back and low should I be sitting. I am no professional mountain biker and have great appreciation for the training that the pro's put in to reach the instinctive skill levels that they have.
If we put in the effort to practice using the abilities we have in building others up and finding the positives in life these can be instinctive. The more you use them, the more habitual they will become. In this way I believe one can actually change your personality. Not the core of who you are but your general outlook. People who are always complaining and bring negativity into conversation can change... with some conscious effort initially. Halting those thoughts before they become negative words and choosing to say something different takes some work but with continual practice it can become instinctive. It
is easier to walk past someone who is hurting than to stop and console them. It
takes some work to sacrifice your time, listen to someone’s problems and offer
a kind word. It is easy to live in your comfort zone and ignore those struggling
around you, it will take some work to make a difference.
Think about how you would like to positively impact those you meet and start practising. With enough practise you too can be a professional.
In life there are things that fill your bucket and things that drain your bucket. I am sure everyone can relate and can quickly identify those bucket fillers and the drainers.
It is quite an amazing moment when you have a revelation about yourself, even when you already know it to be true, but the reminder strikes a chord that just plays such a beautiful sound in your soul. I had such a moment this week and I am feeling a little bit like a child at Christmas with new toys.
"I really enjoy fixing things."
As an engineer, this should be pretty obvious and of course, sometime ago I had already made this analysis of myself but this hit home again quite profoundly in a way that said:
"Why are you not doing more of what you enjoy?"
A million reasons (excuses) come to mind but the pleasure and satisfaction of working on something that fills my bucket should be a priority rather than an option. The things that are continually draining you, are generally requisite for normal daily existence. Not doing those may lead to greater problems and bigger holes in your bucket. With all the daily drains, the bucket has to be topped up, often, so as to keep content. That can be read in the context of filled with substance or also as a satisfied state of mind.
This week I have been tinkering with a generator and have had to hold myself back from stripping it completely into (too many) rows of parts and bolts laid out on my garage floor. I found this so absorbing, as to be honest I don't have the practical skills or experience working on engines so ?I found myself so focused on learning how the parts function and work together that it was bit of escapism for me. I have two gaskets to renew and seemingly the right number of nuts and bolts left to replace, so hopefully tonight will be the flight of the bumble bee! (The generator is yellow and black.)
I feel like I am ready for the next challenge. What else can I build? What else can I do that fills my bucket? This feeling is quite addictive and has got me a bit derailed from the daily routine, which I feel is a really good thing until I decide to build a Cobra and live in my garage on a full-time basis...
Spend some time to rediscover your bucket-fillers and give them some priority. It can be just the thing to add content to your life again.
So another week has flown by. The month of June is upon us and it too is swiftly passing through.
What were my goals for this year? Have I made any real headway?
Well, my fitness is at an all time high, I am the most fulfilled I have ever been at work, my relationships are exactly where I want them to be, my children are absolute angels and my country has really made a turnaround. And it is only June!!!!
I am sure I am not the only one to have fallen 'just short' of achieving my goals thus far.
Does it seem like the time is slipping through your fingers and the more you try and grab at the dropping items, you just seem to be dropping something else?
Take a step back and re-prioritise. Review what it is you wanted to achieve and perhaps modify the direction or perhaps the milestones you wanted to achieve.
"If you don't change your direction you will end up where you are heading." - Lao Tzu
Similarly, nothing changes if you change nothing.
Why is it that we resist the change and hold on so tightly to the familiar even if we are aware of the eventual destination it is leading us to? Does the unknown really bind us so strongly? The sooner you make the change the sooner your ship will start turning and you will start seeing new horizons. Sometimes the change is instantaneous, others take time to surface and of course these are the ones we need to press into and hold onto with the vision of the goal, instead of letting go and slipping back to the familiar.
In a slightly different topic direction, this week I witnessed someone being hit by a car on the main road home. It was a horrific thing to see. His body rag-doll tossed into the air and landing motionless on the other side of the road. That scene reminded me how fragile our lives are and there really isn't even a second that we can afford to waste. That man wasn't planning to have that happen on his way home. It took one judgement lapse to put him where he is right now. In the same light our decisions, or lack thereof, will put us where we are headed. Make sure you make the right decisions. In that statement there is as much emphasis on making the decisions as well as being the right ones.
Check where you are headed, adjust and trim the sails to give the desired destination.
